4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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