Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
