Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
