I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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