the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Life is so much better after having sex.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
