when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
i need some magic done to my vagina
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
