im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
