Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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