we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
