I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
