Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
