I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
