Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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