Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
