hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
