I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
