dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
