The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
