maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
