he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
