woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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