I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
