Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
