We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
