he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
