I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
