I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
