it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
