Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
