dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
