Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
My underwear smells like fireworks.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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