JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Randomize
