I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
