I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
