Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
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