didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
