She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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