Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
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