Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
