Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
