Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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