So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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