I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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