Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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