If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
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