Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Randomize
