I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
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