You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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