Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
