There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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